Decisions yet to be made

Hmm, so, what's new? Quite a lot surprisingly.

I've been debating with myself a long time over whether or not to take up my university place in September at Manchester for a variety of reasons - changing priorities, hip (and hand) problems, career direction... I'd just decided, finally, once and for all, to pull out of the course which is highly academic and theoretical in favour of spending some time with an environmental organisation in Spain which is orientated towards sustainable living and alternative technology. Fabulous. Decision made.

Then, I got a wonderful email from the university on monday saying I've won a scholarship - all tutition fees paid. It's great to have got the scholarship, which is something students are automatically entered for but I never even considered I would have a chance of getting, but now I'm in a dilemma. Have to let the uni know by tomorrow if I'm accepting the scholarship. All friends consulted say take the scholarship, but I still find myself with doubts, not least because most of their reasons cite 'free cash', 'better CV' and 'better job opportunities'. If they were reasons lined up towards happiness or wellbeing, I'd be inclined to agree, but purely financial and career opportunities don't seem to be holding much sway. But then, how often do you get offered a scholarship in a lifetime? Would I be completely crazy to turn it down?!

Scholarship quandry aside, it has also been a week of doctors and physio appointments. Quite frustrating ones at that. Another doctor joined the diagnosis debate on monday by completely disagreeing with the the previous doctor about the hip impingement, but can't say what else could be causing the problem. Seems like the general consensus is that progress with my hip will be slow - 6 to 12 months!!! - and there's not much more they can do to help it along its way. Keep doing the physio; don't aggravate it. Logical advice, yes, but perhaps not the most helpful in practical terms.

I guess the problems I've had with my hip are another reason for my reluctance to go to uni. I know what I'm like when I'm studying. I throw myself into an academic world and lose perspective on a lot of other things, like listening to what my body is saying to me. Also, what if it flares up badly again for weeks rather than just a couple of days as I've become used to dealing with? If my hand gets worse, typing and writing both take a skydive out the window. Maybe if I step back from things into a quieter environment for a year or so, I am actually more likely to spend more time keeping up the physio, as well as my daily yoga and meditation practice which I've really come to value over recent months.Maybe, maybe. If, if, if.

I just don't know! Strange how scribbling my thoughts down in a blog can make a difference to how clear my mind feels though. 24 hours to make a decision...watch this space