Decisions yet to be made

Hmm, so, what's new? Quite a lot surprisingly.

I've been debating with myself a long time over whether or not to take up my university place in September at Manchester for a variety of reasons - changing priorities, hip (and hand) problems, career direction... I'd just decided, finally, once and for all, to pull out of the course which is highly academic and theoretical in favour of spending some time with an environmental organisation in Spain which is orientated towards sustainable living and alternative technology. Fabulous. Decision made.

Then, I got a wonderful email from the university on monday saying I've won a scholarship - all tutition fees paid. It's great to have got the scholarship, which is something students are automatically entered for but I never even considered I would have a chance of getting, but now I'm in a dilemma. Have to let the uni know by tomorrow if I'm accepting the scholarship. All friends consulted say take the scholarship, but I still find myself with doubts, not least because most of their reasons cite 'free cash', 'better CV' and 'better job opportunities'. If they were reasons lined up towards happiness or wellbeing, I'd be inclined to agree, but purely financial and career opportunities don't seem to be holding much sway. But then, how often do you get offered a scholarship in a lifetime? Would I be completely crazy to turn it down?!

Scholarship quandry aside, it has also been a week of doctors and physio appointments. Quite frustrating ones at that. Another doctor joined the diagnosis debate on monday by completely disagreeing with the the previous doctor about the hip impingement, but can't say what else could be causing the problem. Seems like the general consensus is that progress with my hip will be slow - 6 to 12 months!!! - and there's not much more they can do to help it along its way. Keep doing the physio; don't aggravate it. Logical advice, yes, but perhaps not the most helpful in practical terms.

I guess the problems I've had with my hip are another reason for my reluctance to go to uni. I know what I'm like when I'm studying. I throw myself into an academic world and lose perspective on a lot of other things, like listening to what my body is saying to me. Also, what if it flares up badly again for weeks rather than just a couple of days as I've become used to dealing with? If my hand gets worse, typing and writing both take a skydive out the window. Maybe if I step back from things into a quieter environment for a year or so, I am actually more likely to spend more time keeping up the physio, as well as my daily yoga and meditation practice which I've really come to value over recent months.Maybe, maybe. If, if, if.

I just don't know! Strange how scribbling my thoughts down in a blog can make a difference to how clear my mind feels though. 24 hours to make a decision...watch this space

Milestones

Just walked 2 miles around a lake. No crutches, no painkillers. I would never have thought that could feel like such a huge milestone, but all these joint problems have made me realise how much I take for granted. What a perfect afternoon.

Hips, Yoga and Fidgeting

"Remember to fidget"

Ah, the voice of reason. Not that I've ever needed any encouragement myself, but it is the kind of thing that gets you scowled at surprisingly often. Along with some praise for yoga and a spiky rubber massage ball seemingly designed to inflict pain on muscles people never knew they had, it's been an interesting morning.

Until a couple of weeks ago, I'd never even realised that hypermobile meant anything more than being a bit flexible but a bit of googling has proved that's not necessarily the case. I'm desperately hoping that 'third time lucky' applies to diagnosis as much as anything else, and that I'll get my hypermobile joints back under control sometime soon with a bit of physio, some lovely yoga and a lot of fidgeting.

Back on the yoga track

A good yoga day at last! What a relief. After struggling through my attempts at some kind of daily yoga practice for the last couple of weeks, this morning everything seemed to click into place and I suddenly felt more relaxed than I have in quite a while. The only thing I don't know is why the sudden change, but at the moment I'm inclined to not ponder on that too much and just enjoy it.

I'm wading through a book called Anatomy of Hatha Yoga (H. David Coulter) that I found whilst scrabbling around the local library a while ago. It is dense. Not to mention so heavy that I feel like I need to build some arm strength before even trying to pick it up. But looking past the terminology - to be fair, the author did put a warning in the introduction - it's actually really interesting, and, I think, useful. I'm figuring that if I can understand how my hip actually functions, I may be able to get more of an idea of what yoga postures might help and what might make it worse. Not to mention a hope for more productive conversations with various doctors in the future.

Aside from that, I feel a bit like I'm floating through the days at the moment. Not being able to work is beginning to take its toll on my sanity, so I'm taking refuge in books. Any books pretty much. I've never read so widely before; it's quite an interesting experiment in how much my mind can actually absorb. I really should get back into studying Spanish, but the motivation I had at the beginning of the year has dissolved and I know that until it returns I won't make any discernable progress. So, reading it is. And hopefully, more good yoga days to come...

Pain and HMS

Pain and hypermobility syndrome. Very interesting! Especially the bit about dental anaesthetic not working properly...been there!

http://www.hypermobility.org/painandhms.php